I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize