I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
