Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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