Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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