if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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