"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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