how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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