just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Randomize
