the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
