If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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