I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
