is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize