Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
