I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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