When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish you could order shots online.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
