I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
