no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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