Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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