Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
