Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
