90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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