I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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