i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
