You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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