He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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