It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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