I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
