A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
