oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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