return my video game
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
