She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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