this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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