last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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