I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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