The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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