Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
