So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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