How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
