Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
