He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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