This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Success! We fucked roommates!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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