Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
