id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
