She went from zero to smokin in five shots
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
