david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
