Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
