The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize