The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
