a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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