I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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