Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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