my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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