Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize