Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
