DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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