Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
