: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
