Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
where does the pee come out of this thing
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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