I am spending my child support on dildos
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize