1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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