i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
