Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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