I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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