Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
