i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
