i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
