I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
