Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
