I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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